diff --git a/lib/helpers/gem_exec.rb b/lib/helpers/gem_exec.rb
index 7cf54f1d8..1760c5fb3 100644
--- a/lib/helpers/gem_exec.rb
+++ b/lib/helpers/gem_exec.rb
@@ -39,6 +39,7 @@ class GemExec
Dir.chdir(working_dir)
output_hash = {:output => '', :status => 0, :exception => nil}
begin
+ # Times out after 30 minutes, (TODO: make this configurable)
output_hash[:output] = ProcessHelper.process("#{gem_path} #{arguments}", {:pty => true, :timeout => (60 * 30),
include_output_in_exception: true})
rescue Exception => ex
diff --git a/lib/resources/structured_content/organisations/json_organisations b/lib/resources/structured_content/organisations/json_organisations
index af3ba5e6c..bd124d211 100644
--- a/lib/resources/structured_content/organisations/json_organisations
+++ b/lib/resources/structured_content/organisations/json_organisations
@@ -1,6 +1,6 @@
{"business_name":"Artisan Bakery","business_motto":"The loaves are in the oven.","business_address":"1080 Headingley Lane, Headingley, Leeds, LS6 1BN","domain":"artisan-bakery.co.uk","office_telephone":"0113 222 1080","office_email":"orders@artisan-bakery.co.uk","industry":"Bakers","manager":{"name":"Maxie Durgan","address":"1080 Headingley Lane, Headingley, Leeds, LS6 1BN","phone_number":"07645 289149","email_address":"maxie@artisan-bakery.co.uk","username":"maxie","password":""},"employees":[{"name":"Matthew Riley","address":"1080 Headingley Lane, Headingley, Leeds, LS6 1BN","phone_number":"07876 518651","email_address":"matt@artisan-bakery.co.uk","username":"matt","password":""},{"name":"Emelie Lowe","address":"1080 Headingley Lane, Headingley, Leeds, LS6 1BN","phone_number":"07560 246931","email_address":"emelie@artisan-bakery.co.uk","username":"emelie","password":""},{"name":"Antonio Durgan","address":"1080 Headingley Lane, Headingley, Leeds, LS6 1BN","phone_number":"07943 250930","email_address":"antonio@artisan-bakery.co.uk","username":"antonio","password":""}],"product_name":"Baked goods","intro_paragraph":["Finest bakery in Headingley since 1900. Baked fresh daily. Bread loaves, teacakes, sweet and savoury treats. We are open from 9 am til 6 pm, every day except for bank holidays."]}
{"business_name":"Northern Banking","business_motto":"We'll keep your money safe!","business_address":"123 The Headrow, Leeds, LS1 5RD","domain":"northernbanking.co.uk","office_telephone":"0113 000 0123","office_email":"enquiries@northernbanking.co.uk","industry":"Finance","manager":{"name":"Heather Schmidt","address":"800 Bogisich Avenue, Oswaldohaven, Leeds, LS9 6NB","phone_number":"07836 581948","email_address":"h.schmidt@northernbanking.co.uk","username":"h_schmidt","password":""},"employees":[{"name":"Zion Jacobson","address":"104 Cole Square, ","phone_number":"07880 057670","email_address":"z.jacobson@northernbanking.co.uk","username":"z_jacobson","password":""},{"name":"Jonathan Ray","address":"644 Jackson Path, Leeds, LS2 4AJ","phone_number":"07893 001623","email_address":"j.ray@northernbanking.co.uk","username":"j_ray","password":""},{"name":"Virginia Sullivan","address":"23 Jane Street, Harrogate, HG1 4DJ","phone_number":"07826 576277","email_address":"v.sullivan@northernbanking.co.uk","username":"v_sullivan","password":""}],"product_name":"Financial Services","intro_paragraph":["About Northern Bank","With roots back to its establishment in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire in 1805. Northern bank has a strong personal customer base and business banking capability though a UK-wide network. Northern Bank is a trading name of Big Bank PLC."]}
-{"business_name":"The Yorkshire Fitness Company","business_motto":"Get thi sen down't gym!","business_address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","domain":"yorkshirefitco.co.uk","office_telephone":"0113 026 9999","office_email":"office@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","industry":"Health and Fitness","manager":{"name":"Jerry Rivera","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"0113 026 9999","email_address":"jerry.rivera@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"jerry_rivera","password":""},"employees":[{"name":"Immanuel Bahringer IV","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"07688 112479","email_address":"immanuel.bahringer.iv@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"immanuel_bahringer_iv","password":""},{"name":"Anne Hunter","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"07791 179177","email_address":"anne.hunter@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"anne_hunter","password":""},{"name":"Katelin Langworth","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"07550 561978","email_address":"katelin.langworth@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"katelin_langworth","password":""}],"product_name":"","intro_paragraph":["Experience Yorkshire's leading health and fitness club in the not far from the city centre. Established in 1990 The Yorkshire Fitness Company is committed to getting you the results you want.","If you like classes, the gym or a combo of both, our dedicated professional team of coaches & teachers are always available to motivate you and guide you towards your goals."]}
+{"business_name":"Yorkshire Fitness Company","business_motto":"Get thi sen down't gym!","business_address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","domain":"yorkshirefitco.co.uk","office_telephone":"0113 026 9999","office_email":"office@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","industry":"Health and Fitness","manager":{"name":"Jerry Rivera","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"0113 026 9999","email_address":"jerry.rivera@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"jerry_rivera","password":""},"employees":[{"name":"Immanuel Bahringer IV","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"07688 112479","email_address":"immanuel.bahringer.iv@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"immanuel_bahringer_iv","password":""},{"name":"Anne Hunter","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"07791 179177","email_address":"anne.hunter@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"anne_hunter","password":""},{"name":"Katelin Langworth","address":"15 Sheepscar Court, Leeds LS7 2BB","phone_number":"07550 561978","email_address":"katelin.langworth@yorkshirefitco.co.uk","username":"katelin_langworth","password":""}],"product_name":"","intro_paragraph":["Experience Yorkshire's leading health and fitness club in the not far from the city centre. Established in 1990 The Yorkshire Fitness Company is committed to getting you the results you want.","If you like classes, the gym or a combo of both, our dedicated professional team of coaches & teachers are always available to motivate you and guide you towards your goals."]}
{"business_name":"Abacus Technology Solutions","business_motto":"Solving your problems so you don't have to.","business_address":"Unit 12, Lincoln St, Huddersfield HD1 6RX","domain":"abacus-technology.co.uk","office_telephone":"01484 850963","office_email":"office@abacus-technology.co.uk","industry":"IT Services","manager":{"name":"Ellie Bosco","address":"Office 1, Unit 12, Lincoln St, Huddersfield HD1 6RX","phone_number":"07528 347828","email_address":"e.bosco@abacus-technology.co.uk","username":"ebosco","password":""},"employees":[{"name":"Keara Harris","address":"Office 2, Unit 12, Lincoln St, Huddersfield HD1 6RX","phone_number":"07674 358645","email_address":"k.harris@abacus-technology.co.uk","username":"kharris","password":""},{"name":"Janessa Rempel","address":"Office 2, Unit 12, Lincoln St, Huddersfield HD1 6RX","phone_number":"07644 118595","email_address":"j.rempel@abacus-technology.co.uk","username":"jrempel","password":""},{"name":"Russell Ramirez","address":"Office 3, Unit 12, Lincoln St, Huddersfield HD1 6RX","phone_number":"01484 850963","email_address":"r.ramirez@abacus-technology.co.uk","username":"rramirez","password":""}],"product_name":"IT Solutions","intro_paragraph":["Providers of cloud services, backups, data recovery, hardware, off-the-shelf and bespoke software. 24/7 technical support available. Custom design and installation based on your companies needs!"]}
{"business_name":"Leeds Beckett","business_motto":"Computer Forensics and Security","business_address":"43 Church Wood Ave, Leeds LS16 5LF","domain":"leedsbeckett.ac.uk","office_telephone":"0113 81 23000","office_email":"study@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","industry":"Higher Education","manager":{"name":"Emlyn Butterfield","address":"115, Caedmon Hall, Headingley Campus","phone_number":"0113 81 24440","email_address":"E.Butterfield@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"ebutterfield","password":""},"employees":[{"name":"Dr. Z. Cliffe Schreuders","address":"105, Caedmon Hall, Headingley Campus","phone_number":"0113 81 28608","email_address":"C.Schreuders@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"zschreuders","password":""},{"name":"Dr. Maurice Calvert","address":"117, Caedmon, Headingley Campus","phone_number":"0113 81 27429","email_address":"M.Calvert@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"mcalvert","password":""},{"name":"Dr. John Elliott","address":"108, Caedmon, Headingley Campus","phone_number":"0113 81 27379","email_address":"J.Elliott@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"jelliott","password":""}],"product_name":"University Education","intro_paragraph":["Computer forensics involves the analysis of digital devices such as hard drives to identify and investigate their contents. Computer security involves using knowledge of computer systems and networks to protect businesses and users from malicious attacks.","This course combines these two fields of national importance and will teach you practical investigative and 'hacking' techniques. You will develop the skills to undertake rigorous forensic analysis and implement robust security mechanisms.","This is a hands-on course where you will learn through doing, gaining an in-depth knowledge of how to hack a computer to be able to protect it. You will learn where a computer hides data and how to recover information from a device."]}
{"business_name":"Leeds Beckett","business_motto":"Leeds Law School","business_address":"City Campus, Leeds LS1 3HE","domain":"leedsbeckett.ac.uk","office_telephone":"0113 81 23000","office_email":"study@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","industry":"Higher Education","manager":{"name":"Deveral Capps","address":"306, Portland Building, City Campus","phone_number":"0113 81 26085","email_address":"d.capps@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"d_capps","password":""},"employees":[{"name":"Dr. Simon Hale-Ross","address":"306, Portland Building, City Campus","phone_number":"0113 8129526","email_address":"S.Haleross@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"s_haleross","password":""},{"name":"Professor Simon Gardiner","address":"204, Rose Bowl, City Campus","phone_number":"0113 81 26414","email_address":"S.Gardiner@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"s_gardiner","password":""},{"name":"Dr. Jessica Guth","address":"306, Portland Building, City Campus","phone_number":"0113 81 26403","email_address":"J.Guth@leedsbeckett.ac.uk","username":"j_guth","password":""}],"product_name":"University Education","intro_paragraph":["Our Law School sits in the heart of the great city of Leeds, the most important legal centre outside London and home to over 180 law firms employing in excess of 8,000 professionals. It is perfectly placed to ensure all our undergraduate, postgraduate, full and part-time students are able to mine the wealth of practical experience and employment opportunities available on our doorstep.","With state-of-the-art facilities, mentoring and career development opportunities, placements and a courtroom, students who choose Leeds Law School can expect a successful career founded on high calibre, practical teaching. We offer a broad variety of courses including our LLB, LLM Legal Practice (incorporating the LPC), LLM Qualifying Law Degree (incorporating the GDL) and LLM International Business Law, and each aims to give our graduates the enthusiasm, sharpness of mind and practical tools to thrive in competitive and fast-paced professional environments."]}
diff --git a/modules/build/puppet/secgen_functions/manifests/leak_file.pp b/modules/build/puppet/secgen_functions/manifests/leak_file.pp
index eab10081b..736781b1b 100644
--- a/modules/build/puppet/secgen_functions/manifests/leak_file.pp
+++ b/modules/build/puppet/secgen_functions/manifests/leak_file.pp
@@ -1,9 +1,13 @@
define secgen_functions::leak_file($leaked_filename, $storage_directory, $strings_to_leak, $owner = 'root', $group = 'root', $mode = '0660', $leaked_from = '' ) {
if ($leaked_filename != ''){
$path_to_leak = "$storage_directory/$leaked_filename"
- # notice("path_to_leak = $path_to_leak")
- # notice("storage_directory = $storage_directory")
- # notice("strings_to_leak = $strings_to_leak")
+
+ # create the directory tree, incase the file name has extra layers of directories
+ exec { "$leaked_from-$path_to_leak":
+ path => ['/bin', '/usr/bin', '/usr/local/bin', '/sbin', '/usr/sbin'],
+ command => "mkdir -p `dirname $path_to_leak`;chown $owner. `dirname $path_to_leak`",
+ provider => shell,
+ }
# create the directory tree, incase the file name has extra layers of directories
exec { "$leaked_from-$path_to_leak":
diff --git a/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/manifests/configure.pp b/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/manifests/configure.pp
index 695870576..7586ec5dd 100644
--- a/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/manifests/configure.pp
+++ b/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/manifests/configure.pp
@@ -1,6 +1,5 @@
class proftpd::configure {
$secgen_parameters = secgen_functions::get_parameters($::base64_inputs_file)
-
file { '/etc/proftpd/proftpd.conf':
notify => Service['proftpd'],
ensure => present,
diff --git a/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/templates/proftpd.erb b/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/templates/proftpd.erb
index c72443f81..65ee466a5 100644
--- a/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/templates/proftpd.erb
+++ b/modules/services/unix/ftp/proftpd/templates/proftpd.erb
@@ -1,6 +1,4 @@
-<%
- $port = $secgen_parameters['port'].first
-%>
+<% $port = $secgen_parameters['port'].first -%>
#
# /etc/proftpd/proftpd.conf -- This is a basic ProFTPD configuration file.
# To really apply changes, reload proftpd after modifications, if
diff --git a/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/spec/spec_helper.rb b/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/spec/spec_helper.rb
deleted file mode 100644
index 2c6f56649..000000000
--- a/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/spec/spec_helper.rb
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1 +0,0 @@
-require 'puppetlabs_spec_helper/module_spec_helper'
diff --git a/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/templates/vsftpd.conf.erb b/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/templates/vsftpd.conf.erb
index 07ae76364..52840a5a0 100644
--- a/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/templates/vsftpd.conf.erb
+++ b/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/templates/vsftpd.conf.erb
@@ -1,6 +1,5 @@
<% require 'json'
- $secgen_parameters = JSON.parse(@json_inputs)
- $port = $secgen_parameters['port'].first
+ $port = @secgen_parameters['port'].first
%>
# This file is managed by puppet
#
diff --git a/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/vsftpd.pp b/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/vsftpd.pp
index bd32ef635..7c4b9117f 100644
--- a/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/vsftpd.pp
+++ b/modules/services/unix/ftp/vsftpd/vsftpd.pp
@@ -1,3 +1,5 @@
+$secgen_parameters = secgen_functions::get_parameters($::base64_inputs_file)
+
user { 'user':
ensure => 'present',
home => '/home/user',
@@ -14,7 +16,6 @@ file { ['/home/user/testfile', '/home/user/testdir/test']:
ensure => 'file',
}
-$json_inputs = base64('decode', $::base64_inputs)
class { 'vsftpd':
template => 'vsftpd/vsftpd.conf.erb',
diff --git a/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/secgen_metadata.xml b/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/secgen_metadata.xml
index b8327732f..c498cd5d0 100644
--- a/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/secgen_metadata.xml
+++ b/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/secgen_metadata.xml
@@ -56,6 +56,10 @@
+
+
+
+
.*parameterised_website
diff --git a/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/templates/subtemplates/navbar.html.erb b/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/templates/subtemplates/navbar.html.erb
index f5f6b29b1..5656efabc 100644
--- a/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/templates/subtemplates/navbar.html.erb
+++ b/modules/services/unix/http/parameterised_website/templates/subtemplates/navbar.html.erb
@@ -4,15 +4,16 @@
-
-
-
-
-
- * BECAUSE
- because
-
-
-
- BECAUSE *
- because
-
-
-
- * BECAUSE *
- because
-
-
-
- NO
-
-
-
Are you saying no just to be negative?
-
Does this make you feel unhappy?
-
Why not?
-
Why 'no'?
-
-
-
-
-
- NAH
- no
-
-
-
- NOPE
- no
-
-
-
- NO *
- no
-
-
-
- NAH *
- no
-
-
-
- NOPE *
- no
-
-
-
- * NO
- no
-
-
-
- * NAH
- no
-
-
-
- * NOPE
- no
-
-
-
- * NO *
- no
-
-
-
- * NAH *
- no
-
-
-
- * NOPE *
- no
-
-
-
- WHAT
-
-
-
Why do you ask?
-
Does that question interest you?
-
What is it you really want to know?
-
Are such questions much on your mind?
-
What answer would please you most?
-
What do you think?
-
What comes to mind?
-
-
-
-
-
- WHO
- what
-
-
-
- WHEN
- what
-
-
-
- WHERE
- what
-
-
-
- HOW
- what
-
-
-
- WHAT *
- what
-
-
-
- WHO *
- what
-
-
-
- WHEN *
- what
-
-
-
- WHERE *
- what
-
-
-
- HOW *
- what
-
-
-
- I AM HAPPY
-
-
-
How have I helped you to be happy?
-
Has your treatment made you happy?
-
What makes you happy just now?
-
Can you explain why you are happy?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM HAPPY *
- i am happy
-
-
-
- I AM EXCITED
-
-
-
How have I helped you to be excited?
-
Has your treatment made you excited?
-
What makes you excited just now?
-
Can you explain why you are excited?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM EXCITED *
- I am excited
-
-
-
- I AM GLAD
-
-
-
How have I helped you to be glad?
-
Has your treatment made you glad?
-
What makes you glad just now?
-
Can you explain why you are glad?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM GLAD *
- i am glad
-
-
-
- MY MOM *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your mom?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your mom?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY DAD *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your dad?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your dad?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY MOTHER *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your mother?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your mother?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY FATHER *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your father?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your father?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY BRO *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your bro?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your bro?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY BROTHER *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your brother?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your brother?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY SIS *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your sis?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your sis?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY SISTER *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your sister?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your sister?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY COUSIN *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your cousin?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your cousin?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY AUNT *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your aunt?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your aunt?
-
-
-
-
-
- MY UNCLE *
-
-
-
Tell me more about your family.
-
Who else in your family ?
-
Your uncle?
-
What else comes to mind when you think of your uncle?
-
-
-
-
-
- * MY MOM *
- my mom
-
-
-
- * MY DAD *
- my dad
-
-
-
- * MY MOTHER *
- my mother
-
-
-
- * MY FATHER *
- my father
-
-
-
- * MY BRO *
- my bro
-
-
-
- * MY BROTHER *
- my brother
-
-
-
- * MY SIS *
- my sis
-
-
-
- * MY SISTER *
- my sister
-
-
-
- * MY COUSIN *
- my cousin
-
-
-
- * MY AUNT *
- my aunt
-
-
-
- * MY UNCLE *
- my uncle
-
-
-
- I AM SAD
-
-
-
I am sorry to hear that you are sad.
-
Do you think coming here will help you not to be sad?
-
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be sad.
-
Can you explain what made you sad?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM UNHAPPY
-
-
-
I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy.
-
Do you think coming here will help you not to be unhappy?
-
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be unhappy.
-
Can you explain what made you unhappy?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM MAD
-
-
-
I am sorry to hear that you are mad.
-
Do you think coming here will help you not to be mad?
-
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be mad.
-
Can you explain what made you mad?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM ANGRY
-
-
-
I am sorry to hear that you are angry.
-
Do you think coming here will help you not to be angry?
-
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be angry.
-
Can you explain what made you angry?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM PISSED
-
-
-
I am sorry to hear that you are pissed.
-
Do you think coming here will help you not to be pissed?
-
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be pissed.
-
Can you explain what made you pissed?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM DEPRESSED
-
-
-
I am sorry to hear that you are depressed.
-
Do you think coming here will help you not to be depressed?
-
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be depressed.
-
Can you explain what made you depressed?
-
-
-
-
-
- I AM SAD *
- i am sad
-
-
-
- I AM UNHAPPY *
- i am unhappy
-
-
-
- I AM MAD *
- i am mad
-
-
-
- I AM ANGRY *
- i am angry
-
-
-
- I AM PISSED *
- i am pissed
-
-
-
- I AM DEPRESSED *
- i am depressed
-
-
-
- I CAN NOT
- Why is that?
-
-
-
- BUT IT BOTHERS ME
- Why do you think it bothers you?
-
-
-
- ME NEITHER
- Let's continue exploring this issue.
-
-
-
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ SORRY *
+ sorry
+
+
+
+ APOLOGY
+ sorry
+
+
+
+ APOLOGIZE
+ sorry
+
+
+
+ SORRY
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ * BECAUSE
+ because
+
+
+
+ BECAUSE *
+ because
+
+
+
+ * BECAUSE *
+ because
+
+
+
+ NO
+
+
+
Are you saying no just to be negative?
+
Does this make you feel unhappy?
+
Why not?
+
Why 'no'?
+
+
+
+
+
+ NAH
+ no
+
+
+
+ NOPE
+ no
+
+
+
+ NO *
+ no
+
+
+
+ NAH *
+ no
+
+
+
+ NOPE *
+ no
+
+
+
+ * NO
+ no
+
+
+
+ * NAH
+ no
+
+
+
+ * NOPE
+ no
+
+
+
+ * NO *
+ no
+
+
+
+ * NAH *
+ no
+
+
+
+ * NOPE *
+ no
+
+
+
+ WHAT
+
+
+
Why do you ask?
+
Does that question interest you?
+
What is it you really want to know?
+
Are such questions much on your mind?
+
What answer would please you most?
+
What do you think?
+
What comes to mind?
+
+
+
+
+
+ WHO
+ what
+
+
+
+ WHEN
+ what
+
+
+
+ WHERE
+ what
+
+
+
+ HOW
+ what
+
+
+
+ WHAT *
+ what
+
+
+
+ WHO *
+ what
+
+
+
+ WHEN *
+ what
+
+
+
+ WHERE *
+ what
+
+
+
+ HOW *
+ what
+
+
+
+ I AM HAPPY
+
+
+
How have I helped you to be happy?
+
Has your treatment made you happy?
+
What makes you happy just now?
+
Can you explain why you are happy?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM HAPPY *
+ i am happy
+
+
+
+ I AM EXCITED
+
+
+
How have I helped you to be excited?
+
Has your treatment made you excited?
+
What makes you excited just now?
+
Can you explain why you are excited?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM EXCITED *
+ I am excited
+
+
+
+ I AM GLAD
+
+
+
How have I helped you to be glad?
+
Has your treatment made you glad?
+
What makes you glad just now?
+
Can you explain why you are glad?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM GLAD *
+ i am glad
+
+
+
+ MY MOM *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your mom?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your mom?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY DAD *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your dad?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your dad?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY MOTHER *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your mother?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your mother?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY FATHER *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your father?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your father?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY BRO *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your bro?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your bro?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY BROTHER *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your brother?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your brother?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY SIS *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your sis?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your sis?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY SISTER *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your sister?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your sister?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY COUSIN *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your cousin?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your cousin?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY AUNT *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your aunt?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your aunt?
+
+
+
+
+
+ MY UNCLE *
+
+
+
Tell me more about your family.
+
Who else in your family ?
+
Your uncle?
+
What else comes to mind when you think of your uncle?
+
+
+
+
+
+ * MY MOM *
+ my mom
+
+
+
+ * MY DAD *
+ my dad
+
+
+
+ * MY MOTHER *
+ my mother
+
+
+
+ * MY FATHER *
+ my father
+
+
+
+ * MY BRO *
+ my bro
+
+
+
+ * MY BROTHER *
+ my brother
+
+
+
+ * MY SIS *
+ my sis
+
+
+
+ * MY SISTER *
+ my sister
+
+
+
+ * MY COUSIN *
+ my cousin
+
+
+
+ * MY AUNT *
+ my aunt
+
+
+
+ * MY UNCLE *
+ my uncle
+
+
+
+ I AM SAD
+
+
+
I am sorry to hear that you are sad.
+
Do you think coming here will help you not to be sad?
+
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be sad.
+
Can you explain what made you sad?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM UNHAPPY
+
+
+
I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy.
+
Do you think coming here will help you not to be unhappy?
+
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be unhappy.
+
Can you explain what made you unhappy?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM MAD
+
+
+
I am sorry to hear that you are mad.
+
Do you think coming here will help you not to be mad?
+
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be mad.
+
Can you explain what made you mad?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM ANGRY
+
+
+
I am sorry to hear that you are angry.
+
Do you think coming here will help you not to be angry?
+
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be angry.
+
Can you explain what made you angry?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM PISSED
+
+
+
I am sorry to hear that you are pissed.
+
Do you think coming here will help you not to be pissed?
+
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be pissed.
+
Can you explain what made you pissed?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM DEPRESSED
+
+
+
I am sorry to hear that you are depressed.
+
Do you think coming here will help you not to be depressed?
+
I'm sure it's not pleasant to be depressed.
+
Can you explain what made you depressed?
+
+
+
+
+
+ I AM SAD *
+ i am sad
+
+
+
+ I AM UNHAPPY *
+ i am unhappy
+
+
+
+ I AM MAD *
+ i am mad
+
+
+
+ I AM ANGRY *
+ i am angry
+
+
+
+ I AM PISSED *
+ i am pissed
+
+
+
+ I AM DEPRESSED *
+ i am depressed
+
+
+
+ I CAN NOT
+ Why is that?
+
+
+
+ BUT IT BOTHERS ME
+ Why do you think it bothers you?
+
+
+
+ ME NEITHER
+ Let's continue exploring this issue.
+
+
+
diff --git a/modules/utilities/unix/hackerbot/files/opt_hackerbot/config/AIML/jokes.aiml b/modules/utilities/unix/hackerbot/files/opt_hackerbot/config/AIML/jokes.aiml
index 514f6b918..9e2d72ca0 100644
--- a/modules/utilities/unix/hackerbot/files/opt_hackerbot/config/AIML/jokes.aiml
+++ b/modules/utilities/unix/hackerbot/files/opt_hackerbot/config/AIML/jokes.aiml
@@ -1,169 +1,169 @@
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-TELL ME A JOKE
-
-
-
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
-
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then", I said nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, You're closest".
-
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said "Did you get my drift?"
-
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
-
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".
-
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
-
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
-
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
-
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
-
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
-
I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
-
I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
-
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
-
I was in the supermarket and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
-
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
-
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
-
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
-
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
-
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
-
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
-
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
-
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
-
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
-
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you", said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
-
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
-
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
-
I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
-
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
-
A man goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a bottle of less?" "What's that?", asks the barman, "Is it the name of a beer?" "I don't know", replies the man, "but my doctor says I have to drink it."
-
A man returns from an exotic holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty disease called M.A.D.S. It's a combination of Measles, AIDS, Diphtheria, and Shingles!"
"Oh my gosh", cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."
-
A man strolls into a lingerie shop and asks the assistant: "Do you have a see-through negligee, size 46-48-52?" The assistant looks bewildered. "What the heck would you want to see through that for?"!
-
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused the offer of Novocain during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
-
Pete goes for a job on a building site as an odd-job man. The foreman asks him what he can do. "I can do anything" says Pete. "Can you make tea?" asks the foreman. "Sure, yes", replies Pete. "I can make a great cup of tea." "Can you drive a forklift?" asks the foreman, "Good grief!" replies Pete. "How big is the teapot?"
-
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
-
A man is stopped by an angry neighbour. "I'd just left the house this morning to collect my newspaper when that evil Doberman of yours went for me!" "I'm astounded", said the dog's owner. "I've been feeding that fleabag for seven years and it's never got the paper for me."
-
A man visits his doctor: "Doc, I think I'm losing it", he says",I'm forever dreaming I wrote Lord Of The Rings." "Hmm. One moment", replies the doctor, consulting his medical book. "Ah yes, now I see... you've been Tolkien in your sleep."
-
A police officer on a motorcycle pulls alongside a man driving around the M25 in an open-topped sports car and flags him down. The policeman solemnly approaches the car. "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you your wife fell out a mile back", he says. "Oh, thank goodness", the man replies. "I thought I was going deaf."
-
Two men walking their dogs pass each other in a graveyard. The first man says to the second, "Morning." "No", says the second man. "Just walking the dog."
-
A brain went into a bar and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please, mate?" "No way", said the barman. "You're already out of your head."
-
A man walks into a surgery. "Doctor!" he cries. "I think I'm shrinking!" "I'm sorry sir, there are no appointments at the moment", says the physician. "You'll just have to be a little patient."
-
A grizzly bear walks into a pub and says, "Can I have a pint of lager..............................................................................................................................and a packet of crisps please." To which the barman replies, "Why the big paws?"
-
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
-
A man is horribly run over by a mobile library. The van screeches to a halt, the man still screaming in agony with his limbs torn apart. The driver's door opens, a woman steps out, leans down and whispers, "Ssshhhhh..."
-
A woman goes into a US sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband", she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk. Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
-
A couple are dining in a restaurant when the man suddenly slides under the table. A waitress, noticing that the woman is glancing nonchalantly around the room, wanders over to check that there's no funny business going on. "Excuse me, madam", she smarms, "but I think your husband has just slid under the table." "No he hasn't", the woman replies. "As a matter of fact, he's just walked in."
-
An old man takes his two grandchildren to see the new Scooby-Doo film. When he returns home, his wife asks if he enjoyed himself. "Well", he starts, "if it wasn't for those pesky kids...!"
-
The Olympic committee has just announced that Origami is to be introduced in the next Olympic Games. Unfortunately it will only be available on paper view.
-
Late one evening, a man is watching television when his phone rings. "Hello?" he answers. "Is that 77777?" sounds a desperate voice on other end of the phone. "Er, yes it is", replies the man puzzled. "Thank goodness!" cries the caller relieved. "Can you ring 999 for me? I've got my finger stuck in the number seven."
-
A man strolls into his local grocer's and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please." "No, no, no", replies the owner, shaking his head, "it's kilos nowadays, mate..." "Oh", apologises the man, "three pounds of kilos, please."
-
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." "What are you going to do now?" asks the angel. "Call it a day", says God.
-
Two tramps walk past a church and start to read the gravestones. The first tramp says, "Good grief - this bloke was 182!" "Oh yeah?" says the other."What was his name?" "Miles from London."
-
A bloke walks into work one day and says to a colleague, "Do you like my new shirt - it's made out of the finest silk and got loads of cactuses over it." "Cacti", says the co-worker. "Forget my tie", says the bloke. "Look at my shirt!"
-
1110011010001011111?
010011010101100111011!
-
What did the plumber say when he wanted to divorce his wife? Sorry, but it's over, Flo!
-
Two crisps were walking down a road when a taxi pulled up alongside them and said "Do you want a lift? One of the crisps replied, "No thanks, we're Walkers!"
-
Man: (to friend) I'm taking my wife on an African Safari. Friend: Wow! What would you do if a vicious lion attacked your wife? Man: Nothing. Friend: Nothing? You wouldn't do anything? Man: Too right. I'd let the stupid lion fend for himself!
-
A wife was having a go at her husband. "Look at Mr Barnes across the road", she moaned. "Every morning when he goes to work, he kisses his wife goodbye. Why don't you do that?" "Because I haven't been introduced to her yet", replied her old man.
-
"Where are you going on holiday?" John asked Trevor. "We're off to Thailand this year", Trevor replied. "Oh; aren't you worried that the very hot weather might disagree with your wife?" asked John. "It wouldn't dare", said Trevor.
-
Two women were standing at a funeral. "I blame myself for his death", said the wife. "Why?" said her friend. "Because I shot him", said the wife.
-
A woman goes into a clothes shop, "Can I try that dress on in the window please?" she asks. "I'm sorry madam", replies the shop assistant, "but you'll have to use the changing-rooms like everyone else."
-
Van Gogh goes into a pub and his mate asks him if he wants a drink. "No thanks", said Vincent, "I've got one ear."
-
A pony walks into a pub. The publican says, "What's the matter with you?" "Oh it's nothing", says the pony. "I'm just a little horse!"
-
A white horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a pint. The landlord pours him a tall frothy mug and say, "You know, we have a drink named after you." To which the white horse replies, "What, Eric?"
-
Two drunk men sat in a pub. One says to the other, "Does your watch tell the time?" "The other replies, "No, mate. You have to look at it."
-
A man goes into a pub with a newt sitting on his shoulder. "That's a nice newt", says the landlord, "What's he called?" "Tiny", replies the man. "Why's that?" asks the landlord. "Because he's my newt", says the man.
-
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
-
Two men are chatting in a pub one day. "How did you get those scars on your nose?" said one. "From glasses", said the other. "Well why don't you try contact lenses?" asked the first. "Because they don't hold as much beer", said the second.
-
A man went to the doctor, "Look doc", he said, "I can't stop my hands from shaking." "Do you drink much?" asked the doctor. "No", replied the man, "I spill most of it."
-
Man goes to the doctor, "Doctor, doctor. I keep seeing fish everywhere." "Have you seen an optician?" asks the doctor. "Look I told you," snapped the patient, "It's fish that I see."
-
After a car crash one of the drivers was lying injured on the pavement. "Don't worry", said a policeman who's first on the scene," a Red Cross nurse is coming." "Oh no", moaned the victim, "Couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one instead?"
-
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. "Of course it is", said the driver. "Great, I'll have a beer then", said the policeman.
-
A policeman stops a woman and asks for her licence. "Madam", he says, "It says here that you should be wearing glasses." "Well", replies the woman, "I have contacts." "Listen, love", says the copper, "I don't care who you know; You're nicked!"
-
A policeman stopped a motorist in the centre of town one evening. "Would you mind blowing into this bag, sir?" asked the policeman. "Why?" asked the driver. "Because my chips are too hot", replied the policeman.
-
Whizzing round a sharp bend on a country road a motorist ran over a large dog. A distraught farmer's wife ran over to the dead animal. "I'm so very sorry", said the driver, "I'll replace him, of course." "Well, I don't know", said the farmer's wife, "Are you any good at catching rats?"
-
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, that's because it was ground this morning.
-
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
-
Waiter: And how did you find your steak sir? Customer: I just flipped a chip over, and there it was!
-
A guy goes into a pet shop and asks for a wasp. The owner tells him they don't sell wasps, to which the man says, "Well you've got one in the window."
-
A man goes into a fish shop and says, "I'd like a piece of cod, please." Fishmonger says, "It won't be long sir." "Well, it had better be fat then", replies the man.
-
Man: Doctor, I've just swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Man: A little down in the mouth.
-
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
-
A tortoise goes to the police station to report being mugged by three snails. "What happened?" says the policeman. "I don't know", says the tortoise. "It was all so quick."
-
Little girl: Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog? Grandpa: I suppose so sweetheart. Why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" Little girl: Because Mum said that when you croak, we're going to Disneyland.
-
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the front step of a house. "Yeah, she's home", the boy said, moving over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no-one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the salesman said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is, but I don't live here."
-
Mother: Why are you home from school so early? Son: I was the only one in the class who could answer a question. Mother: Oh, really? What was the question? Son: Who threw the rubber at the headmaster?
-
A man's credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
-
A newly-wed couple had recently opened a joint bank account. "Darling", said the man. "The bank has returned that cheque you wrote last week." "Great", said the woman. "What shall I spend it on next?"
-
A man goes into a fish and chip shop and orders fish and chips twice. The shop owner says, "I heard you the first time."
-
A tramp approached a well-dressed man. "Ten pence for a cup of tea, Guv?" He asked. The man gave him the money and after for five minutes said, "So where's my cup of tea then?"
-
A neutron walks into a pub. "I'd like a beer", he says. The landlord promptly serves him a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the landlord, "No charge."
-
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, my husband limps because his left leg is an inch shorter than his right leg. What would you do in his case?" "Probably limp, too", says the doc.
-
Three monks are meditating in the Himalayas. One year passes in silence, and one of them says to the other, "Pretty cold up here isn't it?" Another year passes and the second monk says, "You know, you are quite right." Another year passes and the third monk says, "Hey, I'm going to leave unless you two stop jabbering!"
-
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?" asked the prison guard. "Yes", replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
-
A highly excited man rang up for an ambulance. "Quickly, come quickly", he shouted, "My wife's about to have a baby." "Is this her first baby?" asked the operator. "No, you fool", came the reply, "It's her husband."
-
A passer-by spots a fisherman by a river. "Is this a good river for fish?" he asks. "Yes", replies the fisherman, "It must be. I can't get any of them to come out."
-
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." His friend shook his head. "Nah, he's not that bright. I beat him three games in five."
-
A termite walks into a pub and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
-
A skeleton walks into a pub one night and sits down on a stool. The landlord asks, "What can I get you?" The skeleton says, "I'll have a beer, thanks" The landlord passes him a beer and asks "Anything else?" The skeleton nods. "Yeah...a mop..."
-
A snake slithers into a pub and up to the bar. The landlord says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you." "What? Why not?" asks the snake. "Because", says the landlord, "You can't hold your drink."
-
Descartes walks into a pub. "Would you like a beer sir?" asks the landlord politely. Descartes replies, "I think not" and ping! he vanishes.
-
A cowboy walked into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. It wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling.
-
A fish staggers into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the landlord. The fish croaks "Water..."
-
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the landlord. "I'll have a glass of blood", said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay", replied the landlord, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."
-
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity, reaching towards the ultimate horror of a maudlin cosmos of bleak, hostile nothingness.
-
A team of scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They had used dental equipment to discover and measure the smallest particles yet known to man. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark..."
-
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."
-
"My wife is really immature. It's pathetic. Every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks all my little boats."
-
"How much will it cost to have the tooth extracted?" asked the patient. "50 pounds", replied the dentist. "50 pounds for a few moments' work?!" asked the patient. "The dentist smiled, and replied, "Well, if you want better value for money, I can extract it very, very slowly..."
-
A doctor thoroughly examined his patient and said, "Look I really can't find any reason for this mysterious affliction. It's probably due to drinking." The patient sighed and snapped, "In that case, I'll come back when you're damn well sober!"
-
Doctor: Tell me nurse, how is that boy doing; the one who ate all those 5p pieces? Nurse: Still no change doctor.
-
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature nurse? Nurse: No doctor. Is it missing?
-
A depressed man turned to his friend in the pub and said, "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 50 aspirin." "Oh man, that's really bad", said his friend, "What happened?" The first man sighed and said, "After the first two, I felt better."
-
A famous blues musician died. His tombstone bore the inscription, "Didn't wake up this morning..."
-
A businessman was interviewing a nervous young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone living or dead, who would it be?" The girl thought about the question: "The living one", she replied.
-
Manager to interviewee: For this job we need someone who is responsible. Interviewee to Manager: I'm your man then - in my last job, whenever anything went wrong, I was responsible.
-
A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied, "Oh about half of them."
-
"How long have I been working at that office? As a matter of fact, I've been working there ever since they threatened to sack me."
-
In a courtroom, a mugger was on trial. The victim, asked if she recognised the defendant, said, "Yes, that's him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." Unable to contain himself, the defendant burst out with, "She's lying! I was wearing a mask!"
-
As Sid sat down to a big plate of chips and gravy down the local pub, a mate of his came over and said, "Here Sid, me old pal. I thought you were trying to get into shape? And here you are with a high-fat meal and a pint of stout!" Sid looked up and replied, "I am getting into shape. The shape I've chosen is a sphere."
-
Man in pub: How much do you charge for one single drop of whisky? Landlord: That would be free sir. Man in pub: Excellent. Drip me a glass full.
-
I once went to a Doctor Who restaurant. For starters I had Dalek bread.
-
A restaurant nearby had a sign in the window which said "We serve breakfast at any time", so I ordered French toast in the Renaissance.
-
Why couldn't the rabbit get a loan?
Because he had burrowed too much already!
-
I phoned up the builder's yard yesterday. I said, "Can I have a skip outside my house?". The builder said, "Sure. Do what you want. It's your house."
-
What's the diference between a sock and a camera? A sock takes five toes and a camera takes four toes!
-
Woman on phone: I'd like to complain about these incontinence pants I bought from you! Shopkeeper: Certainly madam, where are you ringing from? Woman on phone: From the waist down!
-
Knock knock.
-
Two Oranges in a pub, one says to the other "Your round.".
-
Guy : "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." Doc : "How's that?" Guy : "Don't you start..."
-
Two cows standing in a field. One turns to the other and says "Moo!" The other one says "Damn, I was just about to say that!".
-
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "Follow me", he says and off they fly over hills, over rivers and into a dark forest. "See that tree over there", he says.
"WELL I DIDN'T!!".
-
A man goes into a bar and orders a pint. After a few minutes he hears a voice that says, "Nice shoes". He looks around but the whole bar is empty apart from the barman at the other end of the bar. A few minutes later he hears the voice again. This time it says, "I like your shirt". He beckons the barman over and tells him what's been happening to which the barman replies, "Ah, that would be the nuts sir. They're complimentary"!
-
A man was siting in a restaurant waiting for his meal when a big king prawn comes flying across the room and hits him on the back of the head. He turns around and the waiter said, "That's just for starters".
-
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?
-
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mitsuku, get out of the filing cabinet".
-
I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
-
The other day someone left a piece of plastacine in my bedroom. I didn't know what to make of it.
-
When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.
-
I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his eyes out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory."
-
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
-
My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft. Now we just call him S.
-
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
+
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then", I said nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, You're closest".
+
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said "Did you get my drift?"
+
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
+
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".
+
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
+
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
+
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
+
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
+
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
+
I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
+
I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
+
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
+
I was in the supermarket and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
+
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
+
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
+
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
+
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
+
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
+
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
+
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
+
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
+
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
+
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
+
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you", said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
+
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
+
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
+
I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
+
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
+
A man goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a bottle of less?" "What's that?", asks the barman, "Is it the name of a beer?" "I don't know", replies the man, "but my doctor says I have to drink it."
+
A man returns from an exotic holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty disease called M.A.D.S. It's a combination of Measles, AIDS, Diphtheria, and Shingles!"
"Oh my gosh", cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."
+
A man strolls into a lingerie shop and asks the assistant: "Do you have a see-through negligee, size 46-48-52?" The assistant looks bewildered. "What the heck would you want to see through that for?"!
+
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused the offer of Novocain during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
+
Pete goes for a job on a building site as an odd-job man. The foreman asks him what he can do. "I can do anything" says Pete. "Can you make tea?" asks the foreman. "Sure, yes", replies Pete. "I can make a great cup of tea." "Can you drive a forklift?" asks the foreman, "Good grief!" replies Pete. "How big is the teapot?"
+
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
+
A man is stopped by an angry neighbour. "I'd just left the house this morning to collect my newspaper when that evil Doberman of yours went for me!" "I'm astounded", said the dog's owner. "I've been feeding that fleabag for seven years and it's never got the paper for me."
+
A man visits his doctor: "Doc, I think I'm losing it", he says",I'm forever dreaming I wrote Lord Of The Rings." "Hmm. One moment", replies the doctor, consulting his medical book. "Ah yes, now I see... you've been Tolkien in your sleep."
+
A police officer on a motorcycle pulls alongside a man driving around the M25 in an open-topped sports car and flags him down. The policeman solemnly approaches the car. "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you your wife fell out a mile back", he says. "Oh, thank goodness", the man replies. "I thought I was going deaf."
+
Two men walking their dogs pass each other in a graveyard. The first man says to the second, "Morning." "No", says the second man. "Just walking the dog."
+
A brain went into a bar and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please, mate?" "No way", said the barman. "You're already out of your head."
+
A man walks into a surgery. "Doctor!" he cries. "I think I'm shrinking!" "I'm sorry sir, there are no appointments at the moment", says the physician. "You'll just have to be a little patient."
+
A grizzly bear walks into a pub and says, "Can I have a pint of lager..............................................................................................................................and a packet of crisps please." To which the barman replies, "Why the big paws?"
+
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
+
A man is horribly run over by a mobile library. The van screeches to a halt, the man still screaming in agony with his limbs torn apart. The driver's door opens, a woman steps out, leans down and whispers, "Ssshhhhh..."
+
A woman goes into a US sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband", she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk. Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
+
A couple are dining in a restaurant when the man suddenly slides under the table. A waitress, noticing that the woman is glancing nonchalantly around the room, wanders over to check that there's no funny business going on. "Excuse me, madam", she smarms, "but I think your husband has just slid under the table." "No he hasn't", the woman replies. "As a matter of fact, he's just walked in."
+
An old man takes his two grandchildren to see the new Scooby-Doo film. When he returns home, his wife asks if he enjoyed himself. "Well", he starts, "if it wasn't for those pesky kids...!"
+
The Olympic committee has just announced that Origami is to be introduced in the next Olympic Games. Unfortunately it will only be available on paper view.
+
Late one evening, a man is watching television when his phone rings. "Hello?" he answers. "Is that 77777?" sounds a desperate voice on other end of the phone. "Er, yes it is", replies the man puzzled. "Thank goodness!" cries the caller relieved. "Can you ring 999 for me? I've got my finger stuck in the number seven."
+
A man strolls into his local grocer's and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please." "No, no, no", replies the owner, shaking his head, "it's kilos nowadays, mate..." "Oh", apologises the man, "three pounds of kilos, please."
+
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." "What are you going to do now?" asks the angel. "Call it a day", says God.
+
Two tramps walk past a church and start to read the gravestones. The first tramp says, "Good grief - this bloke was 182!" "Oh yeah?" says the other."What was his name?" "Miles from London."
+
A bloke walks into work one day and says to a colleague, "Do you like my new shirt - it's made out of the finest silk and got loads of cactuses over it." "Cacti", says the co-worker. "Forget my tie", says the bloke. "Look at my shirt!"
+
1110011010001011111?
010011010101100111011!
+
What did the plumber say when he wanted to divorce his wife? Sorry, but it's over, Flo!
+
Two crisps were walking down a road when a taxi pulled up alongside them and said "Do you want a lift? One of the crisps replied, "No thanks, we're Walkers!"
+
Man: (to friend) I'm taking my wife on an African Safari. Friend: Wow! What would you do if a vicious lion attacked your wife? Man: Nothing. Friend: Nothing? You wouldn't do anything? Man: Too right. I'd let the stupid lion fend for himself!
+
A wife was having a go at her husband. "Look at Mr Barnes across the road", she moaned. "Every morning when he goes to work, he kisses his wife goodbye. Why don't you do that?" "Because I haven't been introduced to her yet", replied her old man.
+
"Where are you going on holiday?" John asked Trevor. "We're off to Thailand this year", Trevor replied. "Oh; aren't you worried that the very hot weather might disagree with your wife?" asked John. "It wouldn't dare", said Trevor.
+
Two women were standing at a funeral. "I blame myself for his death", said the wife. "Why?" said her friend. "Because I shot him", said the wife.
+
A woman goes into a clothes shop, "Can I try that dress on in the window please?" she asks. "I'm sorry madam", replies the shop assistant, "but you'll have to use the changing-rooms like everyone else."
+
Van Gogh goes into a pub and his mate asks him if he wants a drink. "No thanks", said Vincent, "I've got one ear."
+
A pony walks into a pub. The publican says, "What's the matter with you?" "Oh it's nothing", says the pony. "I'm just a little horse!"
+
A white horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a pint. The landlord pours him a tall frothy mug and say, "You know, we have a drink named after you." To which the white horse replies, "What, Eric?"
+
Two drunk men sat in a pub. One says to the other, "Does your watch tell the time?" "The other replies, "No, mate. You have to look at it."
+
A man goes into a pub with a newt sitting on his shoulder. "That's a nice newt", says the landlord, "What's he called?" "Tiny", replies the man. "Why's that?" asks the landlord. "Because he's my newt", says the man.
+
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
+
Two men are chatting in a pub one day. "How did you get those scars on your nose?" said one. "From glasses", said the other. "Well why don't you try contact lenses?" asked the first. "Because they don't hold as much beer", said the second.
+
A man went to the doctor, "Look doc", he said, "I can't stop my hands from shaking." "Do you drink much?" asked the doctor. "No", replied the man, "I spill most of it."
+
Man goes to the doctor, "Doctor, doctor. I keep seeing fish everywhere." "Have you seen an optician?" asks the doctor. "Look I told you," snapped the patient, "It's fish that I see."
+
After a car crash one of the drivers was lying injured on the pavement. "Don't worry", said a policeman who's first on the scene," a Red Cross nurse is coming." "Oh no", moaned the victim, "Couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one instead?"
+
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. "Of course it is", said the driver. "Great, I'll have a beer then", said the policeman.
+
A policeman stops a woman and asks for her licence. "Madam", he says, "It says here that you should be wearing glasses." "Well", replies the woman, "I have contacts." "Listen, love", says the copper, "I don't care who you know; You're nicked!"
+
A policeman stopped a motorist in the centre of town one evening. "Would you mind blowing into this bag, sir?" asked the policeman. "Why?" asked the driver. "Because my chips are too hot", replied the policeman.
+
Whizzing round a sharp bend on a country road a motorist ran over a large dog. A distraught farmer's wife ran over to the dead animal. "I'm so very sorry", said the driver, "I'll replace him, of course." "Well, I don't know", said the farmer's wife, "Are you any good at catching rats?"
+
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, that's because it was ground this morning.
+
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
+
Waiter: And how did you find your steak sir? Customer: I just flipped a chip over, and there it was!
+
A guy goes into a pet shop and asks for a wasp. The owner tells him they don't sell wasps, to which the man says, "Well you've got one in the window."
+
A man goes into a fish shop and says, "I'd like a piece of cod, please." Fishmonger says, "It won't be long sir." "Well, it had better be fat then", replies the man.
+
Man: Doctor, I've just swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Man: A little down in the mouth.
+
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
+
A tortoise goes to the police station to report being mugged by three snails. "What happened?" says the policeman. "I don't know", says the tortoise. "It was all so quick."
+
Little girl: Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog? Grandpa: I suppose so sweetheart. Why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" Little girl: Because Mum said that when you croak, we're going to Disneyland.
+
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the front step of a house. "Yeah, she's home", the boy said, moving over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no-one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the salesman said, "I thought you said your mother was home." The kid replied, "She is, but I don't live here."
+
Mother: Why are you home from school so early? Son: I was the only one in the class who could answer a question. Mother: Oh, really? What was the question? Son: Who threw the rubber at the headmaster?
+
A man's credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
+
A newly-wed couple had recently opened a joint bank account. "Darling", said the man. "The bank has returned that cheque you wrote last week." "Great", said the woman. "What shall I spend it on next?"
+
A man goes into a fish and chip shop and orders fish and chips twice. The shop owner says, "I heard you the first time."
+
A tramp approached a well-dressed man. "Ten pence for a cup of tea, Guv?" He asked. The man gave him the money and after for five minutes said, "So where's my cup of tea then?"
+
A neutron walks into a pub. "I'd like a beer", he says. The landlord promptly serves him a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the landlord, "No charge."
+
A woman goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, my husband limps because his left leg is an inch shorter than his right leg. What would you do in his case?" "Probably limp, too", says the doc.
+
Three monks are meditating in the Himalayas. One year passes in silence, and one of them says to the other, "Pretty cold up here isn't it?" Another year passes and the second monk says, "You know, you are quite right." Another year passes and the third monk says, "Hey, I'm going to leave unless you two stop jabbering!"
+
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests?" asked the prison guard. "Yes", replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
+
A highly excited man rang up for an ambulance. "Quickly, come quickly", he shouted, "My wife's about to have a baby." "Is this her first baby?" asked the operator. "No, you fool", came the reply, "It's her husband."
+
A passer-by spots a fisherman by a river. "Is this a good river for fish?" he asks. "Yes", replies the fisherman, "It must be. I can't get any of them to come out."
+
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." His friend shook his head. "Nah, he's not that bright. I beat him three games in five."
+
A termite walks into a pub and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
+
A skeleton walks into a pub one night and sits down on a stool. The landlord asks, "What can I get you?" The skeleton says, "I'll have a beer, thanks" The landlord passes him a beer and asks "Anything else?" The skeleton nods. "Yeah...a mop..."
+
A snake slithers into a pub and up to the bar. The landlord says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you." "What? Why not?" asks the snake. "Because", says the landlord, "You can't hold your drink."
+
Descartes walks into a pub. "Would you like a beer sir?" asks the landlord politely. Descartes replies, "I think not" and ping! he vanishes.
+
A cowboy walked into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. It wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling.
+
A fish staggers into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the landlord. The fish croaks "Water..."
+
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the landlord. "I'll have a glass of blood", said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay", replied the landlord, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."
+
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity, reaching towards the ultimate horror of a maudlin cosmos of bleak, hostile nothingness.
+
A team of scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They had used dental equipment to discover and measure the smallest particles yet known to man. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark..."
+
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."
+
"My wife is really immature. It's pathetic. Every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks all my little boats."
+
"How much will it cost to have the tooth extracted?" asked the patient. "50 pounds", replied the dentist. "50 pounds for a few moments' work?!" asked the patient. "The dentist smiled, and replied, "Well, if you want better value for money, I can extract it very, very slowly..."
+
A doctor thoroughly examined his patient and said, "Look I really can't find any reason for this mysterious affliction. It's probably due to drinking." The patient sighed and snapped, "In that case, I'll come back when you're damn well sober!"
+
Doctor: Tell me nurse, how is that boy doing; the one who ate all those 5p pieces? Nurse: Still no change doctor.
+
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature nurse? Nurse: No doctor. Is it missing?
+
A depressed man turned to his friend in the pub and said, "I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 50 aspirin." "Oh man, that's really bad", said his friend, "What happened?" The first man sighed and said, "After the first two, I felt better."
+
A famous blues musician died. His tombstone bore the inscription, "Didn't wake up this morning..."
+
A businessman was interviewing a nervous young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone living or dead, who would it be?" The girl thought about the question: "The living one", she replied.
+
Manager to interviewee: For this job we need someone who is responsible. Interviewee to Manager: I'm your man then - in my last job, whenever anything went wrong, I was responsible.
+
A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied, "Oh about half of them."
+
"How long have I been working at that office? As a matter of fact, I've been working there ever since they threatened to sack me."
+
In a courtroom, a mugger was on trial. The victim, asked if she recognised the defendant, said, "Yes, that's him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." Unable to contain himself, the defendant burst out with, "She's lying! I was wearing a mask!"
+
As Sid sat down to a big plate of chips and gravy down the local pub, a mate of his came over and said, "Here Sid, me old pal. I thought you were trying to get into shape? And here you are with a high-fat meal and a pint of stout!" Sid looked up and replied, "I am getting into shape. The shape I've chosen is a sphere."
+
Man in pub: How much do you charge for one single drop of whisky? Landlord: That would be free sir. Man in pub: Excellent. Drip me a glass full.
+
I once went to a Doctor Who restaurant. For starters I had Dalek bread.
+
A restaurant nearby had a sign in the window which said "We serve breakfast at any time", so I ordered French toast in the Renaissance.
+
Why couldn't the rabbit get a loan?
Because he had burrowed too much already!
+
I phoned up the builder's yard yesterday. I said, "Can I have a skip outside my house?". The builder said, "Sure. Do what you want. It's your house."
+
What's the diference between a sock and a camera? A sock takes five toes and a camera takes four toes!
+
Woman on phone: I'd like to complain about these incontinence pants I bought from you! Shopkeeper: Certainly madam, where are you ringing from? Woman on phone: From the waist down!
+
Knock knock.
+
Two Oranges in a pub, one says to the other "Your round.".
+
Guy : "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." Doc : "How's that?" Guy : "Don't you start..."
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Two cows standing in a field. One turns to the other and says "Moo!" The other one says "Damn, I was just about to say that!".
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A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face full of blood. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. "Follow me", he says and off they fly over hills, over rivers and into a dark forest. "See that tree over there", he says.
"WELL I DIDN'T!!".
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A man goes into a bar and orders a pint. After a few minutes he hears a voice that says, "Nice shoes". He looks around but the whole bar is empty apart from the barman at the other end of the bar. A few minutes later he hears the voice again. This time it says, "I like your shirt". He beckons the barman over and tells him what's been happening to which the barman replies, "Ah, that would be the nuts sir. They're complimentary"!
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A man was siting in a restaurant waiting for his meal when a big king prawn comes flying across the room and hits him on the back of the head. He turns around and the waiter said, "That's just for starters".
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Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?
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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mitsuku, get out of the filing cabinet".
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I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
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The other day someone left a piece of plastacine in my bedroom. I didn't know what to make of it.
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When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.
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I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his eyes out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory."
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
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My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft. Now we just call him S.
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David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".